For the past eight years, I've found myself in San Francisco, a city which I very much love in so many ways. I've never lived in one place for this long in my entire life, so I certainly consider the Bay Area my home. But after nesting and putting roots down, I now feel a desire to expand, to broaden my horizon and perspectives so I don't move further down a path that isn't suitable for me.
In my 20s, I was very nomadic and loathed the idea of staying in one place but in retrospect, I see now that the movement was driven more by fear than anything else. I couldn't stay still. I was afraid to commit which led me to make big moves every 1.5 years from Hanoi (three separate times), Geneva, London and San Francisco. Moving was exhilarating and very often distracting.
My exploration and shifting landscape at this juncture in my life feels different. It is more grounded in a sense of awareness of who I am and a deeper call to understand myself and to fulfill my purpose. Deep down I know my life calling is centered around writing, sharing stories, building community and helping people live more beautiful and meaningful lives. I'm not exactly sure the form all those passions will take shape in, but I know that I have to listen to this calling.
The shape of my current life doesn't really fit me right now and it doesn't really paint a picture of the fullest vision of a life that I want to live. It's not something "more" that I'm seeking. It's simply something different, more enriching and nourishing.
In this next phase, I also want to explore more deeply look at how I love. While I know I appear vulnerable because I share a lot of stories, I don't actually feel that I love as fully as I am capable of. I can relay deep, and often painful accounts, which creates a sense of connection to people, but I don't feel it's true vulnerability. I want to learn to give bigger parts of myself, even if that means I will potentially get hurt. I don't want to fear the heartache anymore.
In essence not living my purpose and not loving fully are part of the same challenge for me, and that revolves around fear. To be quite honest, I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of what might happen if I put aside all the distractions and actually focus on my true purpose. I have no picture of what my life might look like. It could be bigger than I ever imagined. I also have no idea what would happen to my heart, a part of myself I've worked so hard to protect, if I allow someone to truly get closer to me, to let someone in behind the protective shell I'm enveloped in.
I hope you will join me on this journey of sharing, of learning, of exploring, of unraveling and of loving.